The Removal of Doubt
In May 1944 I had Maharaj's darshan for the first time at a house in Blunt Square, Lucknow.
Upon returning from my office, I found that members of my family were getting ready to go and see Baba. He had just arrived in the neighbourhood, and they asked me to accompany them.
I did not know Baba then, and while I always secretly gave reverence to those wearing sadhu's clothing, I generally kept myself apart from them because I could not tell the difference between a real holy man and a fake. I did not agree to go with them because I would not be able to offer salutation openly to Maharaj, and since this meeting was in a neighbour's home, I felt this would be disrespectful to all. Somehow I also felt bad that I did not go or even make an effort to find out who the Baba was.
When everybody had gone, I sat and meditated on Baba. I told him about my inner conflict and asked him to either send for me or come to my house and give me darshan. I told him I knew that he could do this if he was a saint. At that very moment, at my neighbour's house, Baba asked my sister, "Where is your brother? Why has he not come here?" She tactfully replied that I had just returned from my office and was at home. Baba commanded her, "Go and fetch him. Bring him here."
I was surprised when my sister arrived and told me all that had happened. It removed my doubt, and I went at once and bowed at Baba's feet in reverence. He turned his eyes away from me immediately. He did not say anything to me. He got up and went away with another neighbour, Gargi Datt Mishra, to his house. All the others followed him, and I came back home alone, and upset.
I again meditated on Baba and prayed to him to come to my house and give me darshan. After a shortwhile I saw Maharaj coming to our house with some other devotees. We welcomed him and he lay on a takhat(wooden bed), talking to everyone as I massaged his feet. Though I was quite eager to talk to him, he did not look towards me. He then got into a car and left. Baba had fulfilled all my preconditions, but I still could not get peace of mind.How could I? My uneasiness was the ugly consequence of testing a sidhatma(Spiritually elevated soul).
Eight years later I again had Baba's darshan, this time in Tagore Town, Allahabad.I felt that the long wait was my penance. Holding me by the hand this time, he took me outside, and in a secluded place, he started humming, "Ramahi keval prem piyara[The only thing that is dear to Ram is love]." Indeed, the only access to Baba is through love.
Baba's holding the hand of someone had its own significance. It meant that he had accepted that person. I have been closely associated with my beloved and revered Baba ever since then, and sometimes he gratified us by coming to our home. - Rajida